Thursday, January 04, 2007

Driving in Iowa

I spent a large portion of Monday in Iowa, and am much the worse for wear.
Now, most of the fine Iowagians were, I’m sure, at work when I was on the road. The ones troubling me were the ones who had no more to do but piss in my cornflakes.
So for your edification, here are a few “new” rules of the road for those who might be driving in Iowa and not be familiar with the Way Things Work.1: Never come to a COMPLETE stop when turning off of one road onto another.The vehicle must never come to a complete stop, but it must APPEAR to do so, in fact the motion ust be so slight as to be visible only with the aid of time-lapse photography.
2: When turning left, do so as if you can see a distant car approaching, and you are waiting for it to pass before completing your turn. It matters not whether a car is actually approaching, in fact, should you wait long enough, a car will invariably approach. Turn at the very last moment, forcing the oncoming car to slam on it’s brakes and skid dangerously close to the 12′ ravine known as a “ditch” on either side of the road.
3: When turning right, act EXACTLY as you do when turning left. The only prerequisite is to veer to the left slightly before beginning your turn so that no traffic may pass from either direction.
4: Completing the turn must be done by removing one’s foot from the brake but making NO EFFORT to touch the accelerator, allowing the vehicle, instead, to coast into the new direction. Make sure your idle is set low enough to allow the vehicle to stall once or twice. Note: if you have a manual shift vehicle, grind the transmission through all available gears INCLUDING reverse, causing the vehicle to lurch and stall in as many directions as possible. At no point attempt to clear the road for following or oncoming traffic.
5: Weave. Weave all over the road while talking on the telephone, smoking a cigarette, chewing tobacco (spitting helps) and eating something from Hardees. make sure you touch the gravel shoulder on BOTH sides of the road at least five times each mile. Be unpredictable so oncoming or following cars cannot get past you without fearing for their sheet metal.
I’m not saying, this is how it SHOULD be done, of course, I’m just relating How Things Are.