Thursday, January 04, 2007

Things I've learned

When I was around eighteen years old, I learned that engines didn’t grow in oak trees. I hung many a chain over many a branch hoping for a nice small block, or a new slant six for the old Valiant but never had any luck with it. I remember driving through new neighborhoods asking dad “there are no trees. Where do the motors go?”
I was nearly fourteen before I understood they were saying “Void where prohibited”. prior to that I thought they were saying “Boys were prohibited” All those contests I missed out on. Damn.
I was twenty one when I discovered the way to cure a nymphomaniac was to marry her.
I was almost eleven before I realized my sister wasn’t just a kid mom was babysitting for the neighbors. Thing was, I got slapped every time I asked “when are we gonna send her back?”. You’d think I’d have figured it out sooner.
We moved nine times int he first eight years of my life. Dad would rent a place cheap, (in those days cheap was thirty, thirty five bucks a month) and fix/clean/upgrade it out of pocket, then the landlord would show up and say “This place is too nice for thirty bucks a month. Your rent is now $90 a month” and we’d move. I thought you HAD to move every year.
I was ten when I learned Gary Miller had pubic hair and I didn’t. Freaked me out, he looked like some kind of animal. I plucked my pubes until I was fourteen. THen it just got to be too much
I was forty three when I learned not to drink the WHOLE bottle of whiskey at once.
I wonder what things I’ll learn next?